Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
