Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
When did angry sex become our thing?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Randomize
