Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Randomize
