I am puke
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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