I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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