I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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