he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
