Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
