you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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