i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
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