not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
