never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
