she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
