my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Randomize
