we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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