I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Randomize
