I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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