i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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