Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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