If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
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