We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
