i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
He shit in the fireplace
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
