I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
