apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
