we're chasing vodka with high fives
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
