There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
