Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
