Your favorite bartender is back from prision
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
