Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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