The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
