i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
