Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
