About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
My bed smells like the plague
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