mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
and she was petting her beer can
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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