i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
