I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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