So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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