there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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