when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
