So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Randomize
