1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
