I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
