U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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