Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Randomize
