The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
