my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
