Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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