it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
zippers are such a cool invention
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
