Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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