Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
