I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
If its not for food we ain't going out.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
