I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
