i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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