I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
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