it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
