Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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