It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
