just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
3pm strippers are depressing
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
All the doctor said was why
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
