I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
