I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
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I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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