I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
