k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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